“Yeah, right.”

“Oh stop it, you’re not that old.”

“Hrmph.”

“You’re not doomed to be alone, you know.”

“Yeah, put that on my tombstone.”

“Well, it’s just a go-go-go thing, maybe bigger than usual…”

“I guess I’m not superman then.”

“It’s actually kind of annoying. Picture this:”

“Are you done yet?”

“I’m just trying to please you, baby.”

“You did. Twice. Twenty minutes ago.”

“But I want to again.”

“Get off me.”

“You have the sweetest pillow talk.”

“A girl can get sore!”

“Well, guys can chafe!”

“Then you just STOP!”

“Hmph.”

“Because we never have any interesting conversations.”

“Sure we do. Remember that time you told me about how cancer smells?”

“Cancer DOES smell. So does pseudomonas. They both reek.”

“See? This is an interesting conversation!”

“I knew it was going to be one of the two of them, JS or TL.”

“And how did you know this?”

“We were talking about it at the first bar, before you guys even went to the other place. They were asking me about you and I said ‘She’s cute, she’s single, go for it.’”

“I am rather cute, aren’t I?”

“Yeah.”

“Guy’s an idiot.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Come on, how do you break up with a girl like you?”

“I don’t know, Tim, how DO you break up with a girl like me?”

“Uhhh…”

“I need a drink.”

“Didn’t you like it? I thought it was GREAT!”

“The first part, the part where Carrie gets entirely dropped on her ass by the man she loves, that was just fine.”

“No! That was awful!”

“What’s awful is that they make it look like everything ties up so nicely at the end. Motherfuckers.”

“Two cosmopolitans, please.”

“Hey.”

“Um…how have you been?”

“Well, in the past seven days I’ve lost my dog, my cat’s been diagnosed with a bowel disease, you basically forced me to break up with you, and I probably lost my tutoring gig. I figure that later today I’ll wreck my car on the way home from work after I lose my job and find out that my house has been firebombed.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah. You?”

“Not good either.”

“When?”

“Saturday night.”

“Who?”

“That doesn’t matter. You don’t know her. I don’t know her.”

“Whatever.”

“What?”

“I don’t give a shit. I kissed someone else too.”

“YOU WHAT?!”

“So? You did it.”

“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?! WHEN?”

“Sunday.”

“I can’t believe you did that.”

“You had completely abandoned and betrayed me. Just because you didn’t actually break up with me by then – since you wouldn’t even talk to me – doesn’t mean I had to consider myself bound to you.”

“My phone could have been broken!”

“I had to hunt you down at work on Sunday to get you to talk to me. Your phone was NOT broken.”

“I can’t believe you did that.”

“I can’t believe that all my tears, all the pain you caused me, all the heartbreak you saw me going through – none of it mattered to you enough to make you look at what you put me through and try and make anything better. What finally gets your attention is a big blow to YOUR ego. And I’m not saying that what I did was right – I know it wasn’t – but if that’s what it took to wake you up to what you’re doing, then I guess I’m not really sorry I did it. Just sorry that it had to come to this.”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious you don’t even want to be with me.”

“Your behavior this week- even without kissing anyone – made it obvious that you don’t care enough to be with me. So no, I don’t want to be with you like that. You did again exactly what you saw rip my heart out last time. And you cannot treat people like that.”

“You can’t just go kissing other guys!”

“Shut up about me and defend yourself for a minute.”

Silence.

“That is insane.”

“Do you want me to go get the car and bring it up?”

“Nah, I wore my white t-shirt especially for this occasion. Let’s do it.”

“Ready?”

“GO!!!”

“Hm?”

“Well, it appears that you’ve suddenly begun using this card quite a lot, which is not normal based on your record – “

“Minor bank problems.”

” – so I just wanted to check on some things. Yesterday we have 4 charges for $4.00 each, all run to Electronic Gaming, Inc. Was that charged multiple times by accident?”

“Were they about half an hour or forty-five minutes apart for each one?”

“Yes, it looks like that.”

“Is there another charge around that time for Joe Bush’s Bar?”

“Yes, for…. $15.72.”

“Well, if I drank that much in $2.00 drafts, then I must have played 4 games of Golden Tee.”